My Post Traumatic Stress Disorder :)

I'm not as crazy as I may sound. I have good reason to fear a C-Section. First of all, it's in my blood to become a Rx/drug abuser and a C-Section requires pain meds. (I never even fill my meds after delivery because I'm so scared of becoming dependent-once I had a few doses of Tylenol3 because of a blinding headache at the hospital when I was severely dehydrated after delivery but I didn't have any medicines stronger than the normal Tylenol at home. I'm even allergic to Ibuprofen so that never stays at my house either) Which is also a very strong reason why I love the essential oils so much. No dependency risks.

Second, I have a horrifying memory of when Jace and Trevor were born via C-Section. Skipping too many of the details, I remember going to clogging one day while my mom was still in the hospital, (she was there a LONG time) getting told "I didn't think you'd be here today." I said why and the dork said, "well, cuz I heard your mom died this morning!" I FREAKED OUT, ran next door to my dads photo shop, and my grandma called out to UVRMC (she was sent to Provo after it got too bad for the locals) to have me talk to her to prove to me that she didn't die but she was hooked up to so many machines and tubes that she couldn't talk-it just sounded like Darth Vader breathing into the phone so my aunt got on to comfort me and tell me that she really was alive and sitting right next to her. Well, how could I be sure? I didn't get to hear her tell me that. I was too young to go into ICU so it wasn't like it would benefit me to go out with my dad to see her...it was a mess.

I dread not being home for Christmas- my mom was smart enough to have Christmas completely ready before she even had the twins so it could have been alot worse but it still was horrible not having her home for the holidays.

I remember her lying on the couch when she finally came home the first time, too weak to move, and I'd get home from school and go up to her and make sure she was still breathing...that the IV's were still dripping right...she was never even left alone though, my grandmas were always there-the Relief Society took turns rocking babies-home health nurses constantly-I was just so scared. Then one night she got rushed away again. The staff infection was so close to her heart. And we're motherless again. Yeah, my gma lived right down the street so it was easy enough to adjust. We had the same bus driver. The same neighborhood friends-but I needed my mom.

I'm drama, I know. But I'm a little nervous about a C-Section.

Sticks & Stones...

Words are hurtful.....

So today on my way home from my rescheduled Dr.'s apt that I drove clear to Roosevelt before AT&T decided to let my calls come through so that I could get the message that my apt had been rescheduled-I decided to make a stop at a new thrift store I had never been to. The owner asked me when I'm due-I told her 3 weeks-she asked if it was my 1st-I told her it's my 3rd-she says without hesitation, "3rd and a vasectomy I hope!" I don't even know you. Jerk.

When I was pregnant with Graci, a person I know had a pretty rough miscarriage-I was less than 2 months away from giving birth and I was told to "walk on egg shells" and  "be extra sensitive about anything baby around her" Ok...I understand...I had a miscarriage. I remember what it felt like to watch everyone else have babies so I was to the point that Yeah-it's my turn to have my baby! But apparently I can only be happy in the privacy of my own home-or as long as my happiness doesn't offend someone who might be sad...

So then-when it was this said persons turn to have a baby everyone's all "yeah-it's been so hard for them! Be extra exited they've waited so long" so we were so happy for them and everything-honestly happy for them. Why couldn't I be happy when it was my turn? Do I rub my 9 month pregnant belly in your face to the point that I had to be warned about offending you? Have I ever been so self consumed to make anyone feel horrible by just looking at me?

Then I am pregnant with Cielo-hoping to share our happy news with relatives-when I make a call to a certain person whose reaction was, "Don't you know what causes that? I'd like to say congratulations, but seriously, I think that was just irresponsible." She goes on to tell me that "IUD's are extremely effective" and I should "probably look into that option before this happens again" To this day I have vowed that my children will never inconvenience this person as long as I'm living...

Many other comments and opinions have been shared over the years that I really think had some influence on me and why it took me so long to be okay with the idea of having another baby, but I got actual confirmation in the temple that we needed to have this baby so I decided that I should probably stop worrying about what other people think  and do what was best for our family.

So just as I was about ready to make our announcement about this baby we get the horrible news of another miscarriage in a family close to us. How am I supposed to say, "I'm so sorry for your loss but I'm due in November?" of course we were hesitant to tell for fear of offending or hurting them. Then when it can't be hidden anymore, people said, "Why did you wait so long to say anything? It seems like you're ashamed or something? Usually people are happy to make this announcement" Yeah, I'd love to be happy about my announcements-it jsut seems that every time the timing is so off for everyone else that I jsut have to slip under the radar.

Fast forward to last week...36.5 weeks pregnant I get asked (by a relative)  if "the Dr has told me what's wrong with my baby yet" and "don't worry because our names have been submitted to all the temples he/she could get a hold of" Seems to me you are hoping something will go wrong or hoping that you will be able to swoop in and save the day...whatev...

Then I get told that the bumper sticker post on FB was NOT directed toward me or my family situation. (bumper sticker read IF YOU CAN'T FEED THEM-DON'T BREAD THEM) Thanks, but I didn't think a person that I have talked to maybe twice over the past year was thinking of me when they posted that-until you brought it up at least...

So call me a bit frustrated, or slightly down in the dumps but honestly! I was even told-point blank and out of the blue-"don't regret this baby, you'll make it work you'll just have to make sacrifices other places cuz it's too late to turn back now"

Just because my situation isn't ideal in your eyes, doesn't mean it's horrible. Just because you have landscaping and a new car doesn't mean my kids are suffering. I'm stinking sick of standing around listening to all you have to say about my life and then having a nervous breakdown after the 100th comment that finally hits me wrong. I'm tired of people comparing me. I'm exhausted actually. and not even surprised when something doesn't go as planned. My perma grin has faded and I don't even care.

And when someone gets sick at our house-it escalates to the highest degree of sick in less than 24 hours. For example...Edgar had a slight sore throat leaving for work-comes home with a severe sinus infection that has torn into tissues and he was bleeding through his nose, ears and throat. Urgent care bill and horse pill prescription costs later he was on the mend.

Cielo complained of an ear infection and was quickly admitted into the hospital for pneumonia and stayed 3 days before the breathing treatments and steroids could be controlled at home. Hospital charges on top of prescriptions, pediatrician costs and tests we will be paying that off for 3 years.

Graci started snoring and couldn't breathe during the night the same time that Cielo had a horrible allergic reaction and I took them both into the ear-nose-throat Dr...Graci was then scheduled for a tonsillectomy for the following surgery day and Cielo was tested and is severely allergic to 28 different local allergens. Dr. said he had never seen tonsils that size in a girl that small. Cielo's allergy treatment plan stopped being covered by the insurance the Monday before she was seen. At least we didn't start the 6 month treatment plan before and then get the surprise $400 per month bill...

Graci had a stomach ache and within the hour was in x-ray for an obstructed bowel.

Cielo has a tiny skin tag on her elbow-2 days later it's the size of a pea and so sore that she doesn't want a shirt to touch it.

Edgar now has blisters in his eyes...the eye drops he's been on can only be used for a certain amount of time and his time is almost over so now the Dr. has to decide what to do next because that special drop should have taken care of it.

I try to save money by making my own laundry soap-all my whites now have grey spots on them. The dishwasher soap was ruined. I cancel all of our extra crap. At what point is enough enough? I hate to even think about saying, "what next?" It reminds me of The Little Rascals when Alfalfa says "Things couldn't get any worse. Then the clouds open up and God says, I hate you Alfalfa..."

Graci sings "all I want for Christmas is my 2 front teeth" Cielo sings "all I want for Christmas is my spacer back in" The spacer that was put in at Primary Children's. So literally, we have a bill (or 4) at every hospital, clinic, Dr's office or medical building from here to Salt Lake.We pay a monthly mortgage and monthly minimum medical bills totaling a mortgage. How can I even think about an end in sight with the year we have had? How are we ever going to get on top?

Maybe I put off buying a few needed baby items but how do you decide who gets their medicines this month? or who's ailments are important enough to be seen by the Dr.? I'm just saying...

I'm over it.  FYI the words are more hurtful than the sticks and stones you could be throwing.

And Shaylah and Andrea-thanks for reading! This nervous breakdown was quickly cured by some halloween chocolate-so I'm fine now.